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Anxiety, Attachment, and Trauma Therapist in LA
If you’ve ever had a moment where someone didn’t text you back, and your brain just spiraled out of control—congrats, you’re in the right place! You know that moment? The one where you’re overanalyzing everything they said, and you start wondering if you’re ‘too much’ or if they secretly hate you? In this “Anxious Attachment Therapy 101” guide, I break down what attachment styles are and how therapy in Los Angeles can help you break free.
Anxious attachment is basically when we feel triggered at the thought of rejection, abandonment, or losing connection. It’s like you’re always on high alert in your relationships, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe you’re terrified that people are going to leave, or you feel like you have to constantly prove your worth, so they don’t.
These anxious patterns don’t just pop up out of nowhere though. These attachment patterns usually start in childhood, based on what we experienced with our caregivers.
If you didn’t get consistent emotional support or if you were left feeling like your needs didn’t matter—well, your brain and nervous system had to figure out how to cope with that. So now, as an adult, it shows up as you being hyper-aware in relationships.
Now how would you feel if I told you that it’s not your fault? You didn’t just wake up one day and decide, “I’m going to feel like shit in relationships for fun.” Nope. Your brain is literally designed this way because it was trying to keep you safe when you were younger. It’s like, “Okay, I didn’t feel secure as a kid, so I’m going to stay on high alert now… just in case.”
But here’s the thing—it’s not an excuse to stay stuck in those old patterns. Just because your brain is wired this way doesn’t mean you have to keep living on high alert forever. We’re going to work on that. We’ll get your brain to chill out a little, so you can actually enjoy your relationships- withOUT feeling like you’re constantly one text away from being abandoned.
In this course, we’re going to dig into why you feel the way you do, where these feelings come from, and more importantly, what to do about it. I’m not going to leave you hanging with a bunch of theory—you’re going to get real, concrete steps to take control of your anxious attachment. So, if you’ve been feeling like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationships, you’re in the right place.
You’re not alone in this, and anxious attachment doesn’t have to run your life forever. We’re going to work through it, step by step, so you can build more secure relationships without constantly feeling anxious. Sound good?
Before we dive into anxious attachment, let’s start by understanding what attachment is at its core. At the heart of it, attachment isn’t just a theory—it’s how we’ve evolved to survive.
From the moment we’re born, our connection to our caregivers determines how safe we feel in the world. And when you’re a child, everything revolves around those connections, even if you don’t consciously realize it.
Attachment is the bond between a child and their primary caregiver. This bond sets the stage for how that child will view relationships for the rest of their life. It’s about how we learned to get our needs met, whether that’s through love, attention, protection, or reassurance.
As children, we don’t just naturally understand the world—we figure it out through our relationships. If a caregiver responds consistently with love and attention, the child learns the world is safe, that they’re worthy of love. But if that connection is inconsistent or unavailable, the child’s brain does something remarkable: it starts to adapt to make sense of the world and figure out how to survive in it.
Children are wired to attach to their caregivers because, without them, they can’t survive. But here’s where it gets interesting: kids aren’t logical. They’re emotional. So when something feels “off” in their connection with a caregiver, they don’t think, “Oh, my parent is having a bad day.” They think, “What did I do wrong? What do I need to do to get them to love me or come back?”
This isn’t just neediness—this is survival. A child might interpret any gap in connection as a threat, and their brain starts building strategies to close that gap and make sure they stay connected. These strategies form the basis of what we now call attachment styles.
When you have an anxious attachment style, it’s easy to interpret certain behaviors or situations as rejection or abandonment, even if they’re neutral or unintended. Here’s what that can look like in real life:
When your partner doesn’t text back right away: Ever send a message, wait five minutes, ten minutes, then start thinking, “Did I say something wrong?” This is a very classic anxious attachment trigger. That silence can feel like rejection, and it’s hard to focus until you get a reply.
Seeing your partner on social media but not responding to you: If your partner or friend is online but hasn’t responded to your message, it can trigger a sense of abandonment. Your brain tries to figure out why they’re ignoring you—even if they’re not actually ignoring you.
When your partner says they “need space” or time alone: For someone with an anxious attachment style, “space” can feel like they’re pushing you away. Even when they mean it in a healthy, “I just need some solo time” kind of way, it can feel like they’re withdrawing from you.
Not hearing “I love you” or signs of affection as often as you’d like: If your partner isn’t as verbally affirming as you are, or doesn’t say “I love you” enough, it can create insecurity. You might start wondering if they really care about you… even if they’re showing love in other ways.
Witnessing them being friendly with others: Seeing your partner being social can feel threatening…especially if you think the other person is “attractive” or their “type.” Your mind can jump to worst-case scenarios, even if they’re just being friendly.
Sudden changes in plans or routines: If your partner has to cancel plans, work late, or something changes last minute, it can feel like a real rejection….or like you’re not a priority.
These triggers all come back to a fear of losing connection. The good news? Attachment therapy in Los Angeles can help you recognize and rewire these patterns, so they don’t run the show anymore! If you’re ready to start relationship therapy for anxious attachment, contact me to today and begin your journey towards healing.
Let’s break down how different kids might adapt to the connection (or lack of connection) they experience with their caregivers.
Imagine a child who has caregivers who are generally consistent. They meet the child’s emotional and physical needs—when the child is hungry, they get fed. When they’re scared, they get comforted. This child learns that they can rely on their caregiver to be there, so they don’t have to be on high alert all the time.
“I can explore the world, and if I get hurt or scared, I know I can come back to my caregiver, and they’ll make it better. I don’t need to worry about losing them—they’re always there when I need them.”
As adults, these people tend to feel secure in their relationships. They can handle space and disagreements without spiraling into fear of rejection. They trust that the people they love will still be there.
Now picture a child whose caregiver is sometimes attentive, but other times distant or preoccupied. This inconsistency throws the child into a state of confusion. Sometimes, when they cry, the caregiver responds. Other times, they might be left alone, waiting, wondering why their needs aren’t being met.
“I don’t know when my caregiver is going to come back or if they’ll respond to me. Maybe if I cry louder or cling harder, they’ll notice me. I need to stay close and make sure they don’t forget about me.”
This child grows up constantly seeking reassurance in their relationships. They might overthink every small interaction, worried that the people they love will leave if they don’t work hard to keep them around. Their attachment becomes an exhausting job of trying to maintain connection, no matter the cost.
For some children, their caregiver may be emotionally unavailable or dismissive. Maybe their caregiver provides for their physical needs but isn’t present for emotional support. The child quickly learns that expressing needs doesn’t get them anywhere, so they stop trying.
“My caregiver doesn’t respond to my emotions. If I want to stay connected, it’s safer to handle things on my own. I don’t need anyone, because needing people only leads to disappointment.”
These kids often grow into adults who are fiercely independent. In relationships, they might avoid vulnerability or closeness because relying on others feels unsafe. They’ll often say they prefer being on their own because that’s what they’ve learned to expect.
Now, imagine a child whose caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. Maybe the caregiver is loving one moment and frightening the next. The child doesn’t know what to expect—should they seek closeness, or run away?
“I don’t know what version of my caregiver I’m going to get. Maybe they’ll be nice, or maybe they will be drinking and yell at me.”
For some children with disorganized attachment, their caregiver may be emotionally unavailable or dismissive. Maybe their caregiver provides for their physical needs but isn’t present for emotional support. The child quickly learns that expressing needs doesn’t get them anywhere, so they stop trying.
The way you connected (or didn’t connect) with your caregivers shaped the way your brain learned to relate to others. If you had to work hard for connection, that’s what your brain expects in adulthood too. And even though you’re not a child anymore, your brain still responds to the same cues: distance, disconnection, rejection—it all triggers those early evolutionary patterns.
But here’s the thing: you can change these patterns. Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. Just because you learned to cope one way as a kid doesn’t mean you have to keep using that strategy as an adult. You can rewire your brain to feel secure in relationships, even if that’s not where you started.
Before we dive into changing your patterns, we need to understand them. This week’s worksheet will help you reflect on some of the experiences and relationships that might have shaped your anxious attachment. There’s no pressure to get it perfect—just write down whatever comes to mind.
Question:
Think back to when you were growing up. Were there times when you didn’t feel emotionally supported or seen by your caregivers? Maybe it was small things—like no one asked how you were feeling—or bigger things, like emotional neglect. Write down a few of those moments that stand out to you.
Example:
Maybe you were a super independent kid, and your parents just assumed you ‘didn’t need much’—but inside, you craved more connection or validation. Those little moments might have taught your brain to be hyper-vigilant and anxious, even if you didn’t realize it at the time.
Question:
Now let’s look at your current or past relationships. Can you identify any patterns where you felt overly anxious, clingy, or terrified of being abandoned? Maybe you over-communicated, or maybe you pushed people away because the fear was too much to handle. Write down a few examples of when this has shown up for you in relationships.
Example:
For example, maybe you’ve noticed that in romantic relationships, you need constant reassurance, or you overthink when someone’s texting patterns change. Or maybe you’ve noticed that you go out of your way to please people, even when it’s draining or against your own needs.
Question:
Your body is often the first place anxious attachment shows up, even before your brain catches up. Where do you feel that anxiety when it hits somatically? Is it a knot in your stomach? Tightness in your chest? Jitters in your hands? Try to notice where it lands physically for you.
Example:
For example, you might feel anxiety hit in your chest when you’re worried about someone not responding to you or when you’re fearing abandonment. Write down a few situations where you noticed these body sensations.
This worksheet isn’t about ‘fixing’ anything yet—it’s about seeing where this anxious attachment stuff came from. Just take a few minutes to jot down your thoughts. The goal here is awareness. You can’t change something if you don’t know what it looks like.
For this week, I’m not asking you to ‘fix’ or change anything yet. The only thing I want you to focus on is awareness. Spend the next few days just noticing when your anxious attachment shows up. Maybe it’s when someone doesn’t text you back fast enough, or when you feel that knot in your stomach at the thought of being alone. You don’t need to judge it or change it—just observe it. Write it down if that helps.
Sometimes writing to our younger selves can give us perspective on how these patterns formed and what we needed back then. It helps you connect the dots between past experiences and your present behavior, so take a few minutes to get this down in your journal.
I’m Cheryl Groskopf, a holistic therapist in Los Angeles specializing in anxiety, trauma, and attachment. I work with people pleasers, perfectionists, and those who grew up feeling emotionally dismissed. I also utilize somatic and IFS approaches to help you gain a holistic and personalized approach to healing.
My focus is on helping you understand why your relationships feel hard and guiding you toward feeling more secure and connected.
Looking for more personalized help? Reach out today and begin your healing journey with attachment therapy in Los Angeles.
Interested in attachment parenting? I partnered with Parents.com to discuss the benefits (like emotion regulation) as well as criticisms (like burnout). Check out this article to learn how attachment parenting impacts child development and family dynamics.
