Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC
Holistic Anxiety, Trauma, and Attachment Therapist in Los Angeles
10 Triggers That Cause fearful avoidant attachment
Get insights from a top Los Angeles attachment therapist and start your path to healing.
Hey there, I’m Cheryl Groskopf, and I’m all about diving deep into the world of attachment therapy. In my practice, it’s not just about talking. It’s about uncovering, healing, and transforming. We all carry our own set of fears, doubts, and scars from past relationships. But these burdens often shape how we connect (or struggle to connect) with others. I’m here to help you unpack it, understand it, and ultimately, to change it to something that actually works and is authentic for you.
In this blog, I discuss a topic that hits close to home for many: fearful avoidant attachment. If you find yourself caught in a cycle of craving closeness, yet running away because of fear, you’re not alone. It’s a tough spot to be in, but here’s the good news – there’s a way out! As an attachment therapist in Los Angeles, I offer more than just a listening ear and appropriately timed head nods. As an active therapist, I provide strategies, insights, and real, actionable ways to cope and heal. We’ll explore the roots of fearful avoidant attachment and how it might be playing out in your life. But more importantly, we’ll talk about moving forward by building healthier, more secure ways of relating to those around you. It’s time to transform your relationships and reclaim the connection you deserve.
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1. Internalized beliefs about one’s own unworthiness or unlovability
The Avoidant Attachment Trigger: Leading To A Fear Of Being Rejected Or Abandoned In Relationships
Fearful avoidant attachment often stems from deeply internalized beliefs about unworthiness or unlovability. It’s not just a fleeting thought or a bad day kind of feeling – it’s a core belief that of how someone views themselves in relation to others. These beliefs typically form in our early relationships (usually with caregivers in our early stages of development or early significant others who were inconsistent or unresponsive). This inconsistency plants a “seed” of doubt – a nagging fear that maybe, just mayyyybe, they’re not quite good enough. Not deserving of consistent love and attention.
When this fear of being rejected or abandoned kicks in, it’s like a self-protective mechanism. Individuals with this attachment style are caught in a paradoxical cycle. On one hand, they crave closeness and intimacy because, let’s face it, we’re all wired for connection. But on the other, getting too close rings alarm bells. It’s like every part of their being is saying, “Get close, but not too close. They’ll see the ‘real’ you and bail.” This internal tug-of-war is exhausting. It’s not just about fearing rejection, but also bracing for it, and expecting it at every turn. This anticipation of abandonment can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that creates the very isolation and loneliness they dread.
Understanding this attachment style is helpful for their partners too. It’s not about fixing or changing the person. It’s about understanding the “why” behind their actions, and the deep-seated fears that drive them. This understanding is the first step in breaking the cycle. It’s about learning to challenge those internalized beliefs, to gradually replace the narrative of unworthiness with one of self-compassion and acceptance. It’s a journey, no doubt! But it’s one that can lead to more secure and fulfilling relationships.
2. Early childhood experiences of inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving
How This Impacts Avoidant Attachment: Parents Or Caregivers May Have Alternated Between Being Overly Intrusive Or Neglectful
Early childhood – it’s supposed to be all about playdates and learning to ride bikes, right? But for some, it’s more like walking on a tightrope with no safety net. One small slip could be detrimental We’re talking about those formative years where the people who should have been your consistent source of comfort were not approachable. Inconsistent caregiving is like a breeding ground for a world of confusion. One minute, a kid’s smothered with attention. The next, they’re treated like they’re invisible. Imagine trying to decode that mixed bag when you’ve barely learned to tie your shoes. It’s a mess – and it leaves marks.
This kind of “hot-and-cold” parenting? Or Cold Mother Syndrome? These kids learn early on that the shoe could drop at any moment. The result? You grow up not knowing what the hell to expect from relationships. It’s a classic setup for a love-hate relationship with intimacy. On one hand, you’re starving for it – because who doesn’t want to feel seen and understood? But on the flip side, you’re also bracing for the rug to get pulled out from under you. So, you end up doing this weird dance, pulling people close and then shoving them away before they can do the same.
This sets the stage for how you handle relationships down the road. Understanding this background is critical. It’s not about pointing fingers or playing the “blame game”. It’s about recognizing the patterns, connecting the dots from those early days to the here and now. It’s the first step in rewriting the script, in learning that not all relationships are a repeat of the past. Cracking this code can be a way to build healthier, more stable connections as an adult.
3. Genetic predisposition or temperament factors, such as high sensitivity or anxious temperament
This can make individuals more susceptible to developing fearful avoidant attachment.
You don’t choose your genetic predispositions (they’re just part of the hand you’re dealt). For some, this means having a high sensitivity or an anxious temperament right out of the gate. Everything hits harder, and sticks longer. This heightened sensitivity comes with its own set of challenges – particularly when it comes to attachment styles.
For those wired with this kind of sensitivity, the world can feel like an emotional scary place. Every interaction, every relationship carries the potential for deep impact. And when you couple this with a childhood of inconsistent caregiving or emotional invalidation in childhood, it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. The result? A fearful avoidant attachment style and being caught in a constant push-pull dynamic. There’s a desire for close connections, but there’s also an extreme fear of getting hurt. It’s as exhausting as it sounds.
Acknowledging this dynamic between genetics, temperament, and early experiences can you help you understand your unique emotional blueprint. This understanding leads the way for tailored strategies in therapy and personal growth – approaches that honor your sensitivity while helping you navigate relationships in a healthier, more secure way. Embracing this aspect of who you are can be a game-changer in therapy. It turns what once felt like a vulnerability into a source of strength and self-awareness.
4. Overly critical or rejecting parenting styles that invalidate Your emotions and needs
Leading To A Fear Of Vulnerability And Rejection. Attachment Therapy in Los Angeles can Help
Overly critical or rejecting parenting? Let’s call it what it is: a recipe for making someone feel like they’re never enough. This isn’t about the occasional tough love or setting boundaries. I’m talking about a constant criticism, a constant knocking down that leaves a kid feeling like their emotions and needs are just… irrelevant. Imagine growing up in a world where every time you open up, you’re shut down. Where your feelings are either ignored or, worse, ridiculed. That’s not just tough, it’s toxic.
This kind of upbringing teaches you that being vulnerable is dangerous, and that showing your true self is an open invitation for rejection. So what do you do? You build walls. You wear masks. You become a master at keeping people at arm’s length because getting close means risking that gut-punch of rejection all over again. It’s a lonely way to live, but hey, it feels safer than the alternative.
And what about those walls you build to protect yourself? They also keep out the good stuff – the deep connections, the genuine support, the kind of love that doesn’t come with a side of judgment. Breaking down those walls, learning to trust that not everyone is going to hurt or reject you, is not easy. It takes guts and a hell of a lot of hard work. But it’s worth it! Because on the other side of that fear is the chance to be seen, to be accepted, to be loved for who you really are – and that really is everything.
5. Family dynamics characterized by enmeshment (where boundaries between family members are blurred)
leading to difficulties in forming independent identities and relationships Is A Common Sign of Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Picture a family so tightly knit that the lines between individuals blur. It’s not just close-knit, though. It’s suffocating! In these families, boundaries are never clear. Personal space? Privacy? Those concepts might as well be in a foreign language. Growing up in this kind of environment is like you’re part of a collective rather than an individual. Your feelings, thoughts, and needs get so mixed with those of your family that figuring out where they end and you begin feels impossible
So, what happens when someone raised in this environment tries to form relationships outside the family unit? It’s tricky, to say the least. They often struggle to establish their own identity, to figure out who they are separate from their family. They’ve forgotten who they are in any other context outside of the family. Relationships can confusing, with them either clinging too tightly (recreating that enmeshment) or keeping such a distance that true intimacy becomes impossible. Neither extreme is healthy, and breaking free from this deeply ingrained pattern is no walk in the park.
Recognizing the impact of enmeshed family dynamics is a big discussion in therapy. It’s not about putting blame on the family, but about understanding the impact of those dynamics on one’s sense of self and relationships. It involves learning to set boundaries, to untangle one’s own desires, beliefs, and emotions from the family narrative. It’s about finding that “sweet spot” where close family ties don’t mean completely losing oneself in the process. This journey towards individuation and healthier relationships is challenging, but it’s also incredibly empowering. It’s about reclaiming your narrative, your identity, and ultimately, your freedom to form connections that honor both your autonomy and your capacity for intimacy.
6. Witnessing or experiencing intense conflicts or violence within the family
Avoidant Attachment Trigger: Living in An Atmosphere of Fear
Witnessing or experiencing intense conflicts or violence within the family can be like living in a constant state of fear. Imagine a home, which is supposed to be a safe place, turning into a battlefield. The air is thick with tension, unpredictability, and fear. It’s not just the loud arguments or the physical altercations. There’s also the waiting, the not knowing when the next outburst will happen. Growing up in such an environment makes it so you’re always aware of something “bad” happening. The world becomes a place to tread carefully, where safety feels unfamiliar.
Growing up in an atmosphere of fear can be really damaging to one’s way of relating with others. It’s not just about the trauma of the events themselves, but also the chronic vigilance and the constant anticipation of danger. It can skew how you perceive relationships by making them seem like potential threats rather than sources of support and love. If you can’t feel safe in your own home, where can you? This lack of security often leads to an attachment style that’s made up of anxiety and fear. Relationships become a battle where vulnerability feels wayyy too risky, so building up emotional walls feels necessary for survival.
Addressing these experiences in therapy is about more than just dealing with past trauma. It’s about rewiring how you perceive safety and trust in relationships. It’s a journey of learning that not all conflict is destructive, and that it’s possible to express and receive emotions in a way that doesn’t end in hurt or fear. This path of healing is challenging, no doubt. It requires revisiting some painful memories and exploring deep-seated fears. But the payoff is immense: the chance to break the cycle, to build relationships based on mutual respect and genuine connection, and to finally create a sense of safety that was missing all those years.
7. Cultural or societal factors that emphasize self-reliance and independence
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Trigger: discouraging the expression of emotions or the seeking of support
Many cultures believe that showing emotions or seeking support can be seen as a sign of weakness. It’s like living in a world of those dumb “keep calm and carry on” signs, no matter what. Emotional stoicism is valued over vulnerability, and independence is often taken to an extreme. Growing up in this environment leads you to believe that asking others for help or support is too needy, and that to express emotions is to lose control. You’re taught to buckle down and deal with your problems solo, or tucked away forever.
This impacts your belief of what it means to be strong and independent. Sure, self-reliance is a valuable trait! But when it morphs into a barrier against forming deep, supportive connections, it’s a problem. You end up with individuals who view asking for help as a failure, who bottle up their emotions until they explode. It’s a lonely experience, and you experience it with the belief that to be truly independent and strong, you have to go it alone.
Exploring these cultural and societal narratives is key in therapy. It’s about redefining strength and independence by showing that it’s possible to be self-reliant and still have emotional connections.Therapy can help you learn that expressing emotions isn’t a loss of control, but is actually a sign of human strength. It’s a journey towards understanding that seeking support isn’t a weakness, and actually a fundamental part of being human. This shift in perspective can open the door to healthier, more fulfilling relationships,. Relationships where emotional expression and support are seen as necessary parts of a well-rounded life.
8. Unresolved trauma or losses in adulthood, such as past relationship traumas or sudden breakups
creating fear and avoidance in forming new attachments in Fearful Avoidant Attachers
Unresolved trauma or losses in adulthood, especially from past relationship traumas or sudden breakups, can really impact your views and beliefs.These experiences, particularly the brutal ones like being blindsided in a breakup or a betrayal, can leave deep scars. They creep around in the back of your mind, whispering warnings every time you start getting close to someone new. It’s a defense mechanism, sure, but it’s also a one-way ticket to isolation.
Why? Because these past traumas become the lens you view all potential relationships. Trust becomes a rare commodity because, in your experience, trust leads to hurt. So opening up to someone new feels less like a chance for connection, and more like an invitation for pain. It’s a frustrating cycle! You might crave intimacy and connection, yet every part of you wants to run for the hills at the very first sign of vulnerability. This fear and avoidance can turn into an exiled “part” of you that was developed by the longing you have for relationships you desire.
In therapy, tackling these unresolved traumas isn’t about reliving the past for the sake of misery. No, no no. It’s about unpacking and exploring it without judgment. It’s about understanding how these experiences have shaped your views on trust, intimacy, and relationships. More importantly, it’s about learning that past traumas don’t have to dictate your future. It’s a process of healing and gradually rebuilding trust in yourself – and others. Self-compassion is a huge ingredient to healing.
| If you are interested in trauma therapy in LA, click here
9. Experiencing rejection, abandonment, or emotional unavailability in relationships
Attachment therapy in Los Angeles Can Help Heal This Fearful Avoidant Attachment Trigger
Chronic experiences of rejection, abandonment, or emotional unavailability in relationships can really impact your sense of self-worth and ability to trust in others. Every time you’re rejected, abandoned, or faced with emotional unavailability, it’s like another layer of brick was added to the walls you’ve built.
This constant guard against vulnerability then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect relationships to fail, for people to let you down, so you either take off at the first sign of trouble or you don’t let anyone in close enough to even have the chance. The irony is that by guarding yourself against hurt, you also block out the possibility of the support, warmth, and love that come from deeper connections. The fear of being hurt again completely takes over the human need for closeness and attachment – or at least, it tries to.
Breaking this cycle in therapy isn’t about erasing the past. That’s not possible (nor is it necessary or helpful). It’s about understanding the patterns, the how and why you’ve come to view relationships the way you do. It’s about slowly, carefully taking down pieces of your “wall.” This process is about learning to balance self-protection with openness, to experience trustworthiness, and to give yourself permission to seek out and have healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s a journey of redefining what it means to be close to someone. A journey of rediscovering how to trust, not just in others, but in your own judgment and resilience.
10. Experiencing inconsistent emotional validation during key developmental stages.
Imagine growing up in an environment where your emotional are sometimes acknowledged and supported, but other times they’re dismissed or ignored. This inconsistency in emotional validation can be extremely confusing. It teaches you that emotional expression is a gamble – sometimes it pays off with support and understanding, but other times it leaves you feeling exposed and invalidated.
This lack of consistent emotional validation creates a hesitation in forming close bonds. You’re never quite sure if your emotional needs will be met or overlooked. Sooooo, what do you do? You become cautious (even fearful) of showing your true feelings. You might crave emotional intimacy and connection, but the fear of having your emotions dismissed or invalidated holds you back.
In attachment therapy, addressing this issue involves creating a space where emotions can be expressed freely and are consistently and genuinely validated. It’s about relearning the value of your emotions – understanding that they are valid and deserve acknowledgment. This process is not just about opening up, though. This process is about building trust in the stability and responsiveness of emotional connections with your therapist. It’s a journey towards realizing that healthy relationships involve emotional support where you don’t have to constantly guess how your emotions will be received. This understanding helps you build more secure and trusting relationships – relationships where emotional expression is not a risk, but actually respected.
Ready To Heal Your Fearful Avoidant Attachment with A Therapist in LA?
Begin Your Path to Healing With an Attachment Therapist in Los Angeles
If you’re tired of the same “push-pull” routine in your relationships, then it’s time we talk. As an attachment therapist in Los Angeles, we dive right in (but at a pace that works for YOU because your experience is unique). We’ll explore those fears openly with curiosity and compassion, sort through the messy parts, and figure out what’s really driving your fear of getting close to people. I never offer quick fixes or false promises. Not only is that scummy and “salesy,” but quick fixes never lead to lasting change.
And I get it – taking this step can feel really overwhelming. But you don’t need to do it alone. I’ll be right there with you, every step of the way. We’ll work together to understand your patterns, explore long-held beliefs and narratives, and build new, healthier ways of relating to others. You’ve got more strength and resilience than you give yourself credit for, and together, we’ll use that as a strength.
So, if you’re ready to stop letting fear call the shots in your relationships, let’s connect! Shoot me a message or contact me here. It’s time to take control of your story and reshape your relationships into something you can feel good about. Let’s do this!
Referrals to Low Cost Services in LA:
- Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health (LACDMH):
- Offers various mental health services, including therapy and counseling.
- Website: dmh.lacounty.gov
- Southern California Counseling Center:
- Provides affordable counseling services with a sliding scale fee based on income.
- Website: sccc-la.org
- The Maple Counseling Center:
- Offers low-cost individual and group counseling services in Los Angeles.
- Website: tmcc.org
- UCLA Psychology Clinic:
- Provides high-quality, low-cost therapy and assessment services to the LA community.
- Website: clinic.psych.ucla.edu
- Pepperdine Community Counseling Center:
- Offers affordable therapy services provided by graduate students under professional supervision.
- Website: gsep.pepperdine.edu
- Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services:
- Provides mental health, substance use disorder and suicide prevention services.
- Website: didihirsch.org
- Antioch University Counseling Center:
- Offers low-cost counseling services in the Los Angeles area.
- Website: antioch.edu
- Open Paths Counseling Center:
- Provides affordable therapy services to diverse populations in Los Angeles.
- Website: openpaths.org
- Airport Marina Counseling Service:
- Offers low-cost individual, couple, family, and group psychotherapy.
- Website: airportmarina.org
- Cal State LA Community Mental Health Clinic:
- Provides affordable mental health services to the East Los Angeles community.
- Website: calstatela.edu
