Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC
Holistic Anxiety, Trauma, and Attachment Therapist in Los Angeles
Attachment Therapist Los Angeles
5 Key Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment in LA
Struggling with fearful avoidant attachment? You’re not alone. I’m Cheryl Groskopf, an attachment therapist in Los Angeles, and I’d love to help guide you towards truly understanding this attachment style. I’ll discuss the key signs of fearful avoidant attachment, and how childhood experiences shape adult relationships. But it’s more than just spotting signs – I’ll show you real-life examples and explain how these patterns can negatively impact us as adults.
Interested in getting help? In my practice, I work with individuals like you to untangle these patterns. You deserve to have more fulfilling relationships.
If you’re seeing your own relationship struggles, please remember that awareness is the first step towards change. Feel free to reach out or set up a consultation if you’d like to begin your journey toward healing.
Ready to explore and transform your attachment style? Let’s get started!
IIdentifying Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Los Angeles: A Therapist's Guide
1. Difficulty Trusting Others & a Constant Fear of Abandonment or Rejection
Imagine a child growing up in an environment where the presence and affection of caregivers are inconsistent. One day, their emotional needs are met with warmth and attention, but the next, they’re coldly ignored or dismissed. This unpredictability causes doubt in the child’s mind about the reliability of those closest to them. They start to question whether love and attention are conditional, dependent on their behavior or achievements. This teaches the child that trust is a gamble, and attachment comes with the risk of abandonment. The message internalized is one of uncertainty: “I can’t rely on people.”
This foundational belief/narrative doesn’t just disappear as the child grows – it matures into fears and behaviors that deeply influence their adult relationships.
As an adult, this individual carries the weight of their childhood lessons into every relationship. There’s a huge fear of abandonment and a difficulty in trusting others that impacts their interactions. Even in stable and loving relationships, they find themselves waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the affection to be withdrawn, or for their partners to leave them. This is a learned response to their earliest experiences with attachment. The constant need for reassurance, even when reassurance is given, are defense mechanisms that “protect” them from the pain of potential rejection or abandonment they’ve come to expect in childhood.
attachment Therapist in los angeles
2. A Tendency to Push Away or Distance Oneself from Partners or Loved Ones
Let’s talk about emotional volatility or unpredictability in a child’s early environment. When this child reaches out for closeness or comfort, they’re met with responses that range from affection to withdrawal. Over time, this child learns a confusing lesson: closeness can lead to unpredictability and emotional discomfort. This unpredictability teaches the child that maintaining a certain distance is safer than the vulnerability associated with emotional intimacy. What happens? The child begins to equate independence with safety and control over their emotional world
This turns into self-preservation and evolves into a guiding narrative in their adult relationships.
“As an adult, this individual might find themselves in a cycle of seeking intimacy, yet feeling like they need to create distance whenever relationships get deep beyond a surface level. This isn’t because they inherently dislike closeness, but because, it’s a learned behavior from their formative years. When a partner or a close friend starts to depend on them emotionally, or when the relationship demands more vulnerability, they respond by pulling away, pushing the person away, or creating emotional walls.. This behavior is a protective mechanism, a way to manage the fear of the potential loss of control or the discomfort of too much closeness that was ingrained in their childhood.
This pattern of pushing people away as they get closer is a recurring sign of fearful avoidant attachment style. It stems from early experiences where emotional closeness was associated with unpredictability or discomfort. Recognizing this behavior in oneself can be challenging, but is also a step towards healing. It opens up the possibility of understanding that intimacy doesn’t have equal pain or loss. Through mindful reflection and therapy, you can learn to navigate these fears, and allow yourself to gradually embrace closeness without the instinct to run. The journey towards secure attachment involves unlearning the belief that independence = emotional safety, and relearning how to trust.
Emotional Expression: Los Angeles Therapy for Avoidant Attachment
3. Difficulty Expressing Emotions Openly
Imagine a child who, when expressing emotions or articulating needs, is either ignored or criticised. This child learns early that their emotional expressions of sadness, anger, or even joy are not welcome or valued. Situations where a caregiver responds to the child’s tears with ‘Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,’ or dismisses their achievements with indifference, teach the child a “lesson.” The message received is clear – expressing emotions and needs is not only “bad” but might also lead to negative consequences. As a defense mechanism, the child starts to internalize emotions and desires, and begins believing this will protect them from further dismissal or reprimand.
This learned behavior, deeply rooted in the child’s subconscious, shapes their approach to emotional expression and vulnerability into adulthood.
As an adult, this individual struggles with vulnerability and open emotional expression. They might find themselves in situations where their needs are unmet or their desires are unexpressed, but not because they don’t have them, but because they’ve learned to hide these parts of themselves. This “suppression” is carried over from their childhood coping mechanisms—protecting themselves from potential dismissal or emotional harm by keeping their true feelings and needs hidden. Even in close relationships, they might shy away from expressing their true emotions or openly stating their needs, which leads to misunderstandings, unfulfilled emotional needs, and sometimes even resentment. The fear of being seen as ‘too much’ or ‘needy,’ or the belief that their emotional expressions will be met with the same indifference or negativity they experienced in childhood, completely leads their interactions.
This pattern of difficulty in expressing emotions isn’t impossible to break. If we understand that as adults, we have more control over our emotional environment, then we can choose who to trust with our vulnerabilities. We can learn to articulate our needs and desires in relationships that show promise of understanding and support. Therapy and self-reflection can be so helpful in this process by helping you shed the old belief that emotional expression is dangerous, and that more fulfilling, honest connections is possible.
Building Secure Relationships: Overcoming Fearful Avoidance in LA
4. Fear of Being Dependent on Others
In childhood the fear of being dependent is often stemmed from environments where dependence was met with inconsistency or negativity. Imagine a child who learns early on that relying on caregivers for emotional support or physical needs is often disregarded or straight up rejected. Perhaps when they reached out for comfort, they were told to ‘grow up’ or ‘deal with it on their own.’ Over time, this child internalizes the belief that dependence = vulnerability and disappointment. As a defense, they start building walls (not just around their emotions, but also around their ability to ask for help).
As an adult, this fear looks like a strong aversion to dependency -in any form. This individual prides themselves on their independence and self-sufficiency, often to the point of refusing assistance or support even when it’s needed or would be beneficial. In romantic relationships, they might struggle with the concept of being in a partnership, and viewing any reliance on their partner as a weakness. In friendships, they’re the one always offering help but NEVER asking for it ( maintaining a facade of invulnerability). This behavior isn’t actually about a desire to be alone, it’s a learned protective mechanism to avoid the vulnerability and potential hurt associated with dependence.
This deeply ingrained fear of being in a partnership is not only a natural part of being a human, but also a foundation for strong, healthy connections. With time, patience, and perhaps a little guidance, it’s possible to learn that vulnerability is not a weakness. It’s actually a strength that allows for richer, more supportive relationships that honor both independence AND connection.
attachment therapy in los angeles
5. Constantly Seeking Reassurance and Validation
Consider a child who receives attention and praise only intermittently and unpredictably from their caregivers. This child quickly learns that their worth and the stability of their relationships are uncertain, and contingent on meeting certain, often undefined, expectations. They try really hard to achieve, perform, or behave in ways they hope will get positive responses. Yet, even when they do receive the praise or attention they are seeking, it feels fleeting and unreliable. The praise doesn’t fully reassure them because it’s inconsistent and feels conditional. The message? That their value is always up for evaluation.
In adulthood, they seek reassurance and validation from friends, partners, and even colleagues in a paradoxical way. The adult (much like they did as a child) may go to great lengths to please or impress others for the hope of seeking signs that they are valued and accepted. Yet, when reassurance is given, it’s often met with skepticism or dismissed as insincere. This skepticism stems from their childhood experiences of conditional affection—deep down, they question the truth of any validation because they’re worried it will be snatched away. This cycle of seeking, yet doubting, reassurance can negatively impact relationships. The individual may appear to never be satisfied with the support or affection they receive – and it’s not because it isn’t wanted.
This constant search for reassurance (mixed with an inability to fully accept it), shows how complex fearful avoidant attachment can be. It’s a cycle rooted in early experiences of inconsistent validation, leading to an adulthood where trust in the stability of one’s worth and relationships feels almost out of reach. Breaking this cycle requires a journey into understanding and healing these early wounds. Healing involves learning to validate yourself, and developing a more stable sense of self-worth that isn’t entirely based off of external affirmation. Through therapeutic work and self-reflection, it’s totally possible to build a more secure attachment style.
Meet Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC
If you’ve recognized any of these signs in yourself or your relationships, know that this awareness is a VERY powerful starting point. As an experienced attachment therapist in Los Angeles, I’m here to guide you through the next steps towards secure attachment.
Whether you’re seeking to deepen your understanding, address specific challenges, or process how your childhood impacts your present day, I’m ready to support you. In therapy, we can work together to explore these attachment patterns, develop healthier ways of relating to others, and move towards a more secure and fulfilling life.
If you’re ready to take this step and explore how therapy in LA can help, feel free to reach out. I also specialize in the treatment of trauma, C-PTSD, and anxiety. Let’s start your journey towards healing and growth. Why wouldn’t you deserve this?
Additional blogs On Attachment
Referral For Low Cost Therapy Services:
The Wright Institute Los Angeles (WILA):
wila.org
The Center for Individual and Family Counseling (CIFC): mycifc.com
Share! the Self-Help And Recovery Exchange:
shareselfhelp.org
